I Am a Hazer

I am a hazer.

I have something that somebody else wants, and I have the power to make them do anything in order to get it. I trick myself into thinking that what I’m doing serves some noble purpose for my chapter, but really it’s just about power and control. I lie to my parents about what really goes on in my chapter house. I degrade people. I dehumanize people. I haze because I can.  I treat people like animals and then expect them to be grateful to me at the end of it all because, really, I was just making them a better person.  I've convinced myself that the purpose of our new member program is about having a bonded and unified pledge class and not about building good members, because I have no idea what a good member is supposed to look like. I lie to my grandparents about what goes on in my chapter house. I lie to nationals about what goes on in my chapter house.  I lie to just about everyone about what goes on in my chapter house. I am a liar.

I have low self-esteem. I am always comparing myself to other people. Deep down, I know that I would be a nobody without my chapter – just another GDI looking for a place to fit in. I buy my friends. I care too much about what other people think about my chapter, which is another reason that I haze. We can’t let just anybody in. We have to weed out the losers. Losers will make us look bad. If we look bad, then I look bad. All I care about is my image. I’m narcissistic.

I was a loser in high school. I came to college where nobody knew me and somehow managed to fly under the radar during rush and pledge a decent chapter.  All of the people in my chapter are cooler than me, so I just act like them and hope that nobody notices.  When I was hazed as a pledge, I was ashamed of what I allowed others to do to me. The only reason I didn’t quit is because I wanted to show them how tough I was – that I wasn’t a loser.  Once I made it through, I knew that I couldn’t wait to dole out the hazing the next year.  Hazing pledges is probably the only thing I’m good at.  Besides, I had to go through a lot of crap in order to wear these letters – why shouldn’t these new pledges have to do the same?

I get a rush when I haze our pledges. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel like I matter – like I’m doing something good for my chapter. The feeling is better than any drug. I get bored in the spring semester because there aren’t any pledges around for me to yell at. I suffer from hazing withdrawal. When I graduate, I’ll come back to the house at homecoming and yell at the pledges, just for old time’s sake.  I’m unauthentic. I pretend to be something that I’m not, because that’s what I think people want me to be. I conform. I’m unethical. I’m a liar.

I am a hazer.